Odd Player

So, there was this couple who loved each other deeply but the woman said to the man one day that it would be nice if there was some way he could have a procedure done to get rid of his stutter.

So the man went to a doctor to find out if anything could be done and the doctor did his examination and when it came time to turn the patients head and have him cough, the doctor found the problem and said, “Oh, well here’s the trouble. Your stuttering is caused by your lengthy endowment robbing the speech center of your brain of oxygen via your red blood cells. Your penis is so big and long that you have developed a stutter. Many men with very short penises actually possess great eloquence in their ability to speak. I can do a surgery to shorten your penis and that should take care of your stutter. I must warn you though that the procedure is irreversible.”

The man was unsure but afer speaking with his wife he decided to go ahead with the surgery. Afterward, things went well for a few weeks but eventually the wife began to miss the endearing stutter, but mostly his huge dick, and asked her husband to return to the doctor to see if ANYTHING could be done to restore “the size … er … stutter”.

So the man went in to see the same doctor again but when he “popped the question, the doctor responded ultimately with the answer he half expected, but there was something in the doctors voice that made the man think to himself that he wasn’t quite himself that day when he responded to the question saying, “O-o oh, I-i-I’m I’m So So-sorry, I C-ca-can’t d-do any-any-anyth-anything f-f-for you s-sir. Th-the op-oper the operation can-ca-can’t b-bee-be und-d-done. i-I’m s-so so-sorry. I h-hope y-y-you ca-c-can un-und-r-understand-d.”.

Needlessly to say the man left the office that day knowing that he understood what the doctor was trying so HARD to say all too well.

I originally heard a version of this joke from my stepfather, who also had a stutter at one point. I will not hold myself liable to venture a guess at his endowment, though.

An oldie, but a goodie:

A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and a NY Yankee fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of the sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The Cubs fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Cubs fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The Yankee fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said “All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Yankee fan out crying like a little girl. The Red Sox fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, “You support the greatest baseball team in the world, your supporters are the best and most loyal baseball fans in all the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thanks, your most Royal Highness,” the Red Sox fan replies. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man,you are also very brave,” the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?” the Sheik asks.

“Tie the Yankee fan to my back.”

A Sunday School class of about ten kids is being run. The teacher asks, “What body part do you think goes to Heaven first?”

Little Susie says, “Your head goes in first, because you float up.”

Little Janie says, “No. Your hands go in first because you’re praying.”

Little Johnny says, “You’re both wrong. You go in feet-first.” The teacher is perplexed. “Why feet first, Johnny?”

Johnny says, “Last night, I went into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom and Mommy’s feet were in the air, and she said, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

“My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?”

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.

“Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!”

She kissed him and said, “First let’s see you play that harmonica.”

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.” The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.” The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.” The teacher said, “Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?” “Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!”

10. Immediately go shopping for a vibrator
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if he could finally do a split
7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross his legs without rearranging his crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 20 minutes
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
1. Finally find that damn G-Spot